The Agonizing Visit from the Auntie
The arrival of aunt flow.
Finally, after three months, my “aunt flow” has returned. And it had been an agonizing weekend. It all started after we went to the local flea market to sell a few items the girls out grew. Through the long hot day, we made it home and there she was.
A few days before I had been arguing to my husband. I had been hostile due to my hormonal imbalance, and was worried my medication wasn’t doing it’s job. We argued about everything. And we never argue. Until this year. The seven year itch. It’s hard I know. Marrying someone of the total opposite.
Well with aunt flow, I realized a few things this weekend. I fought off depression. And let me tell ya, it’s silent. And sometimes you really don’t realize your in it until someone points it out to you. All day I wanted to sleep. I didn’t want to be bothered. My whole body hurt, my insides felt like they were being ripped out of me. My flow was so red and exhausting. I felt faint often when I would try to do things.
Please don’t touch me.
My youngest wanted to sit with me or cuddle, and all I wanted was not to be touched. It hurt to have someone close to me. I noticed my hygiene had gone down. I couldn’t remember the last time I had washed my hair or shaved my legs. My oldest commented on how pokey my legs were. My husband commented how different my hair looked. All I wanted to do was be left alone.
Finally, I knew I needed to make a change. I needed the strength to shower, shave, get my girls to bed, and get things ready for tomorrow. My wonderful husband (yes he is still wonderful even through the fighting) had cooked dinner (burgers because he knew I wanted red meat) and he didn’t comment that I had two large Reece cups after.
Depression is a symptom not my disease.
My family knows when the depression comes. They know and they give me space. A lot of times people mistake depression as laziness. But yet, they don’t realize the pain someone maybe going through. Sometimes the fatigue gets to you, and you just feel like giving up. You don’t have the strength to go through it. I miss church, my hygiene suffers, house keeping skills suffer, and I feel like those around me do as well. But, my loved ones keep on going, trying to help me out the best they can.
I don’t take anything for my depression. See, it’s not a disease I fight. Or something I have often. It’s just a symptom. A symptom of having PCOS, hormonal imbalances, and infertility. The past three months were agonizing for everything pregnancy test that came back negative. And this month my flow, it exceeds with its almighty power to suck the life out of me.
Inconsistency, infertility, and me.
Later that evening, my husband asked if I felt any better. Not really. The pain really sucks. But, through all this, through my “brokenness,” he still loves and cares for me. At least I know my body is working this month. Hallelujah! But the pain, it’s just a reminder of what I deal with everyday, and each and every month. Oh the agony!
