Labeled- Large

Living the Large Life

All my life I have been a large. Labeled by a size, by a number. But the number does not define who I am as a person. I would like to think I am a good genuine person. Tho I am not perfect, I have met some beautiful size small women out there who have a pretty ugly soul. I still pray for these women. That they find peace and not let their jealousy or low self esteem defy them.

Large does not defy me. I think of all these women who are small. Where I use to want their figure or their size, they wish for my hair. They chose to get hair extensions. Women wish for my eyelashes, they get eyelash extensions. They wish for my large breast size, and they undergo evasive surgery to have a larger size.

It took me a long time to accept who I am.  Growing up, I was never the smallest.  I remember my mother talking to me about all the horrors and terrors that teenage girls would face such as eating disorders, and having poor body images.  Funny thing, I was quite the opposite, and thought its was funny.  How can I have a eating disorder when I am a large size?  Well, to be honest, I did have a disorder.  It wasn’t bulimia or anorexia.  I had a syndrome that I wouldn’t later find out about until my late teens.

PCOS and Me

The end of my junior year of high school, I found out I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  During this time, I remember getting very sick, having emergency gallbladder surgery, and being put on a strict diet due to my condition.  I remember going from approximately 170lbs to 110lbs during a three month period.  I find it comical now, because that is not a normal way to lose weight.  But, the nutritionist thought he was some sort of God or something. Honestly, I was obsessed.  

During this time, I wanted to be thin, I wanted to be like all the other girls.  I would go to the gym daily and run on the treadmill and lift weights for hours.  I would read every food label and only eat what it said on the side of the box.  After I did that, I would then feel guilty, run to my room, and do 50 crunches, because I didn’t want to gain weight.  I remember my brother had just joined the military and had come back home to visit during this time.  He noticed how I had changed.  But not in a healthy way.  I was “sick” he would say.  My hair was thinning out, I looked grey or pale.  He said whatever it was I was doing, wasn’t healthy for me.  He was happy because he say I was happy, but he was concerned.

Back to the doctor I went.  I found out more about my condition and with the right medicine, I was able to control physically what was going on fertility speaking.  But, I was still unhappy.  It wasn’t until I met a guy who said he loved me for who I was.  Well, we all know how these stories end, and know that a boy cannot make you happy and fill avoid in your life like Christ does.  That is a different blog for a different topic.

Unhappy symptoms does not have to mean an unhappy life.

Eventually I started gaining my weight back, but I was healthy and strong.  I was again, a size large, but I was ok about it.  During the next ten years, I struggled with weight gain, infertility, and the symptoms of having PCOS.  I may not be that girl who I was in the beginning, but I have grown now.  Yes, I have my hard days, depressed days, feeling ugly days, and hairy days.  But, with God, I know that those days are not 365 days.  With Him, they are few.

God always gives us what we need. He helps us through the turmoil, and saves us from evil. He gives us the desires of our hearts, our deepest wants. Sometimes we do have to go through times of trouble and temptation to realize that we need him. We need to rely on him during the darkest days and the brightest times. 

When he gives us our wants, and our prayers are answered, we can’t forget him. We need to thank him, and give him the praise. God loves us, and all he asks is that we love him too. That we thank him for the times he gets us out of turmoil and temptation. 

Trust in HIM.

We have to keep trusting in him. Trust that he will make it ok. During the time of turmoil it may seem like the longest, worse time. But in reality, it’s only a fraction of our life. 

As an adult, time seems to go so slow during the bad times but so fast during the good. Don’t forget to enjoy the good, and thank the Lord for it daily.  During the bad times, find joy in the Lord.  These times will not last forever. God’s got this. Don’t worry about it. Just keep on keeping on.

With PCOS, there is no cure, just ways to mask the symptoms.  I know that science is learning more and more about this syndrome, and becoming better educated on it’s genetic makeup.  I want more people to have an awareness of PCOS.  September is PCOS awareness month.  Let’s share it with others!

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord himself, is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation.  Isaiah 12:2

Does he even see you? Does he even care?
As you wipe the day away, you sit aside and stare.
The reflection you see, who is the stranger staring back at me.
What happened to the girl that use to smile?
Where is her joyous laugh?
Even so cold, tears can’t even show.

God’s the one who can see you, He’s the one that cares.
No matter what type of front you put up, he knows what is really there.
Your reflection from the outside, shows what lies within,
Have hope and trust in Him, so others can see Him within.
He will show you your smile, your joy, your happy,
He is there when your tears come, just let him in and see.