Destinations of Each Chapter

“She’s so high” plays as I fly out of Atlanta to my final destination.

Makes me think of what all happens between our start in life’s journey and the final destination to each chapter. 

Often times I tend to be a people pleaser. Always wanting to give my best and my all. I had an older brother growing up.  It always seemed easy for him. I was constantly in his shadow and thought of as “Swayne’s Sister” which everyone seemed to think it had a great ring to it. All through middle and high school, that’s who I was. Not Jenny, not Swayne, not my individuality at all. Just a shadow. Since he always called me one, I learned to adapt to my label. I would follow him around, and always do my best and whatever achievement it needed to be. 

No matter if I enjoyed it or not.

Math for instance. I hate it. I hate numbers. Even married a guy who loves numbers. Hired a director of finance, at work, just so I don’t have to crunch as many numbers. 

I also was never any good at basketball. Everyone wanted me to be. Get the ball they would say. So I did whatever it took to get it. Literally! I didn’t ever hear the whistle or “jump ball” just “foul” then ALOT of yelling, crying, cursing, and hit the bench. So I did just that. I thought I did what I was suppose to do!  Get the ball! I had the ball in my hands when the whistle blew, and I was pulled off the court. What I didn’t realize, I had literally body slammed the girl who had the ball and she slid across the court. 

Anyone who plays ball knows two things…. it’s very sweaty in the gym, and the floor is very slick (especially have a nice beautiful glossy wax had been placed for the season). Those two things never did mix…. and let me tell ya, that girl went pretty far sliding on her back like the old yellow slip and slides we use to have growing up. 

Every time I fouled, I would be pulled out of the game. Finding a nice seat on the bench. I was so confused! I mean I did what I was suppose to do!

The Sentence

Back to math. I have to say, in middle school I had the BEST algebra teacher. He was very thorough and he really made you think and figure out the problem. Then would ask why. If you say there with a blank stare or just shrugged your shoulders, he would yell and smack the back of his right hand in the palm of his left “apathy, apathy, apathy,” as loud and as fast as he could. This teacher was a retired corneal from the air force. So this was one you did not what on your bad side. If he caught you cheating, talking interruptingly, or simply just did not care for your attitude, he brought out “THE SENTENCE.” 

I was lucky, after all I never did the sentence. My brother did a lot. But one thing I did learn being in my brothers shadow… once he got in trouble, my brain simply said “don’t do that” so I didn’t. 

If it was not right and pleasing to the other person, I simply didn’t do it.

My parents, my teachers, my friends. I had so many cliques to be in because I couldn’t tell others know. But I never wouldn’t hang out with someone because of fear someone would be mad. And sometimes that happened. After that, I was not invited to the popular table. Definitely not a cheerleader.

Being “Swayne’s Sister,” well, you can thank him for being my cock blocker. Sorry I know this needs to be more PG but it’s the truth. If they come up with another name for it, I’ll edit this section. But it’s true. I never dated! Unless it was a group of friends, my brother would tell me things. Guys only want one thing, you can get pregnant and I can’t (news to him I can’t either….lol sorry I have to laugh about it sometimes.). But regardless, he was my older brother and only watching out for me right?

It’s Grammar Time

One subject I should have paid more attention to was English. This was one class I did not enjoy. I blame it on my younger years. Growing up, I had a speech impediment. So during reading time, I was taken out of the class room and went to speech. This was before the “no child left behind.” My speech improved, I still get a little tongue tied sometimes in my pronunciation, but I love to tell stories and teach and tell others about things I know. However, my grammar and spelling are awful.

I don’t think I fully understood grammar until 7th grade. My teacher would explain himself multiple times until we got it right! My book report that year was on Prince Harry, in the shadows of royalty. I found it the other day when cleaning out my garage located in my keepsake box. My blue faded paperback three prong pocket folder with a black sharpie pen written on the front by my bff because let’s face it, her penmanship was 100 times better than mine.

English is one subject I wish I had better knowledge on. If so my blogs wouldn’t suck as bad and maybe I could eventually write a book. I’ve always wanted to just write for fun, not because I had to or because it was asked of me to, but because I wanted to. All these things I have always been asked to do or ways to please others, my writing has been a me thing. English is one thing I strive for my daughter to do! She loves to read and I am so glad! She is one of that top of her class and it couldn’t make me prouder. Or course as parents we tend to want our kids to be better at the things we weren’t or couldn’t be good at.

My Final Outlet- Music

Growing up, eventually my music was a me thing for me. Once I learned the basics of theory, Bauch, and Beethoven, my piano teacher allowed me to play whatever whenever. I was AMAZING! As my oldest daughter yells if you ask her about her first trip to Disney World! Freedom! I had freedom to do me.

But what happened? Why haven’t I written that next best seller or turned in an AADOM article to the observer magazine? I literally receive lots of emails on this and I have LOTS to talk about. Why don’t I play the piano anymore or write my own song after having the freedom to do whatever however whenever?  Perception. This is such a strong word and yet we let it take over our lives! Our inanition, our wants, our worth.

We allow others to dictate what we do how we do it. What we like and dislike. We try so much to please others it’s hard to figure out, what do we want? What’s good for us? What are we good at?